Prelude: The unexpected arrival of Simon with his car on Saturday night has inspired a day trip to North Wales. To avoid disrupting the evenings social life, a midnight departure is decided upon. Everyone agrees to meet in Angus’s room after the parties.
Act 1 Scene 1 Angus’s bedroom:
Angus, being a practical guy, had realised the only way to survive an overnight journey in a Beatle was to get very drunk. Unfortunately, he has misjudged a little, and both the spirit and the flesh are now very weak. After initial attempts to persuade Angus to get dressed have failed, a passer-by, Emma, is enlisted to gently cajole him.
Emma "Come on Angus, get up, you know how much you love ice climbing."
Angus "Leave me alone, I want to sleep."
Emma "You can’t let them down, they are depending on you."
Angus "No, no, not the ERGO; I don’ t want to go rowing."
Emma "No, Angus, you’re going CLIMBING. Where is the real you?"
Angus "It’sss under a molehill."
When Angus escapes to hide in the loo, the kidnap plot is hatched. After Simon is despatched to fetch the car, Jack and Graham lie waiting for Angus to emerge, ice tools at the ready.
Emma "It’s OK Angus you can come out now, they have gone."
Graham "Quick, grab his Paisley tie.."
Angus is dressed and dragged to the door. As they pause to switch off the light, the contents of Angus’s stomach make a bid for freedom.
Angus "Hhurrrbburrrr......"
Jack "Do you really think this is wise?"
Graham "Angus, if we leave you here, will you pay us petrol money?"
Angus "Huuubuurrhhurr.…"
Jack "I think that means ’yes’, let’s leave him and go."
Scene 2 The Porters Lodge
Simon had left his car outside the gates with the engine running, ready for a quick getaway. Unfortunately, the evil Porters have moved Simon’s car inside the gates and locked them.
Graham "Excuse me, could you please open the gates?"
Porter "Are you some kind of pooftah?"
Graham "Pardon?"
Porter "Why are you wearing make-up?"
In all the excitement, Graham had forgotten to remove his drag party make-up. After five minutes of character assassination from the Portors, the entrepid three are allowed to depart.
Act 2 Scene 1
Six hours later, they arrive at Pen Y Pass, suffering from post A5 blues. It is depressingly warm.
Jack "Where’s the ice?"
Graham "Where’s the snow?"
Simon "Where’s the can opener?"
Simon, after showing great initiative in opening the Bolognese can with an ice hammer, solves the problem of having no plates by kicking over the stove. As Simon wrestles the gritty spaghetti back into the pan, thirty people wearing judo outfits arrive by car and solemnly turn to face the dawn. The team decide this is to much to handle on empty stomachs, and head off to Ogwin.
Scene 2 Devils kitchen
The team have managed to locate the sole surviving lumps of ice in North Wales. All over the devils kitchen, climbers take turns to knock what little is left of it on to each other’s heads. As Graham teeters up the melting Screen, a climber falls off an adjacent route, and clatters 50 ft down the hillside.
Simon "Are you OK mate?"
Climber "My ankle is knackered; hey, why is that guy wearing make up?"
Jack "Don’t worry about it, he is from Cambridge."
A small crowd of fellow climbers soon gathers and everyone takes turns to suggest stupid courses of action. Any further hope of climbing is aborted as the injured climber is escorted down to the road. After failing to be offered even a cup of tea as reward for two hours of exhausting piggy-backs, our heros hit the road. After six harmonica-playing, caffine-fixing, Big Mac-eating, rugby-singing, nearly-crashing, A5-hating hours of driving they arrive back to dreamyspiresville.
Act 3 Scene 1 Angus’s bedroom
Angus, being a practical guy, has spent the day drinking large quantities of coffee. As Graham writhes in agony over the sink removing his eye shadow, the days epics are relived.
Simon "......and then this mountain rescue guy appeared out of the middle of nowhere, threw some weird looks at Graham, then told us to carry the bloke down."
Angus "What is the climbing world coming to? The next fashion wave is likely to be coordinated chalk bags and lipstick."
Graham "Chalk! Who needs it? Give me blusher any day."