Here exists a collection of alternative guidebook descriptions intended to give a more representative opinion on some popular lines.
Valkyrie (Froggatt) - thrutch uncontrollably up the "well it can't be that hard at 4c" crack, taking refuge in the not so "well there'll be a good rest there" break before grunting rightwards and garaging oneself awkwardly onto a good ledge. An embarrassing reverse manoeuvre permits the correct upright position to be gained before gibbering moves up, right - and back again, convince you that you should have done it in two pitches and let the second have the honours here. Spend a liberal amount of time pondering this before pulling out the finger and getting down to business. A big reach left and it's all over.....until you realise an exposed mantleshelf stands between you and success. Allow your entire body to shake wildly before courageously stepping up and scurrying to the safety of the top.
Embankment Route 4 (Millstone) - begin the parallel cracks full of confidence, believing that the pain in ones feet is what makes the climb what it is. Reach the pleasant hidden foothold and take a well earned rest. Taller climbers will now be disgruntled to find that their knee is firmly wedged in the narrowing crack. Take both hands off the rock and, just as you believe you might stay there quite happily, take a sudden winger. Only then will sufficient feeling return to ones feet to complete the pitch in one sustained grunt.
Great North Road (Millstone) - gain the base of the large corner by a series of steep moves up and right (dusting the snow off the holds before using them). Make a precarious move up a slight bulge and admire the perfect layback crack and smooth slab above. Reverse the route thus far, removing gear as you go and remark on the fine nature of the layback crack to your second as you go and do a V Diff instead.
Parthian Shot (Burbage South) - admire the line, admire the holds (or lack of), admire John Dunne, go home.
Valkyrie (The Roaches) - amble up the first pitch, pausing halfway to drop all your wires. Admire frailness of the in-situ thread at the stance. Slide gracelessly and uncontrollably down the large flake to land on the not-so-very-secret foothold. Look down to see where you're going to end up if you fall off the next move. Horrible, isn't it? Having done this make damn sure you don't come off, move around the corner and discover that you can't move because of the rope drag. Somehow climb up the wall above the belay. The friend placements here are more secure if you sit on them to stop them coming out.
The Sloth (The Roaches) - 1. Admire you partner's daring putting in no gear on the 1st pitch of Pedestal Route. Follow with ever increasing degree of apprehension. 2. Gibber a lot, then think about leaving the stance. Place gear below the roof, move up, and move down quickly when the flake moves 3 inches when you hang on it. Use instead the solid, but rounded flakes available. Reach for jam at the lip, pause and contemplate the awful prospect of hitting the slab below you if your hand slips. When following, remember that the crack over the roof, can and will eat you head first.
Tody's Wall (Froggatt) - 1. Observe the fine vertical crack with gorgeous horizontal breaks. Think, 'looks straight forward'. Climb. Reach bulge at 5m. 2. Get stuck. 3. Search vainly for a handhold in the crack. 4. Search vainly for a handjam in the crack. 5. Get desperate. Search vainly for a finger jam in the crack. 6. Realise this is going to take something athletic. 7. Attempt to place foot on foothold somewhere around neck level. 8. Wish you had taken up Yoga. 9. Levitate upwards and reach for the finish. Struggle manfully until standing on the bulge. Sigh with relief/terror as appropriate.
Goliath (Burbage South) - Climb up to gain gaping cleft in the rock and move up this until in danger of being swallowed whole. At this point you will discover that it's too late and you are completely stuck. You will be rescued when you mates have a) stopped laughing, and b) been thrown out of the pub. Of course by then you may have lost enough weight to slip out on your own...